Having an affair, cheating on
your mate, is one of
the biggest reasons that relationships end. When there's been an affair, the other person usually feels like "I can't ever trust him/her again."
That is a common refrain after an affair. Trust is essential to
close, intimate, real love. When it is broken by infidelity, we feel like there is no
hope for getting it back. Even if we loved much about our mate, if they
had an affair on us, we don't see how we could ever be happy again with them,
how could we trust them after such a sense of betrayal.
So BROKEN TRUST is one of the biggest issues after affairs. Before your mate
will take you back, one of the questions in their mind is can they trust
you not to repeat the same behaviors that caused the fighting and the
split.
I mean, why take you back if they feel like its just going to be
more of the same? When relationships break up due to infidelity, one of
the main issues on your ex lovers mind is
Can I ever really trust you again?
Yes, they'll be mad. Yes, they'll feel crushed. But they can
get over that. They will get over being upset.
But if they split with you because of a problem like infidelity,
they need to know in advance of letting you come back that you won't
hurt them that way again, you won't keep doing what you did.
You
can't get ex back if you can't make them understand this at an emotional
level.
But the feeling of broken trust is one of the hardest things for an ex
to get over. After all, we usually feel like trust gets built over a
long time. Emotionally, we believe when trust is broken that our
relationship can't be fixed, right?
Broken trust is a big betrayal emotionally. Betrayal feels like the
exact opposite of intimacy. So unless you deal with your ex's feelings
of betrayal and broken trust, there is no real chance of getting back
together with them.
It is crucial for you to understand this if you want to get back with
your ex. You must deal with their feelings of distance and betrayal and
lack of trust or you can't expect to get back with your ex. Even if you
get "lucky" and they give you a second chance, without trust it probably
won't last. That's because the love and intimacy we all want to feel
can't be felt when there is no trust.
How can you restore the trust? Well, normally, when there is a
breakdown, we all try to avoid blame. We point the finger elsewhere:
"I had an affair because you were
cold to me! I cheated because I was drunk and he/she took advantage of
me! I cheated because the devil
temptress made me do it! I had an affair because you left me alone too
much."
When there is a big relationship buster like
cheating, the natural tendency is to try to avoid blame. Its a lot
like when we were kids.
Give those kind of excuses to your ex and she or he will tend to think
even less of you. What if you get drunk again, should your ex expect the
same behavior? What if your mate is cold to you two weeks from now, will
you do the same thing?
So one of the first things you
can do after cheating is to be an adult and to take full responsibility.
Accept the blame and don't give lame reasons for your poor behavior.
Remember, lam-o excuses will usually cause you more trouble than they
are worth.
You can own up to it by saying something along the lines of "I had
an affair and betrayed you. I apologize and I I'm sure I caused you to feel
like you can't ever trust me again..."
This is an adult way to begin to repair the damage to their trust.
Hearing responsibility being taken like that allows us to see that maybe
they understand what they did wrong. It helps lay the foundation for
forgiveness.
Just like when you catch your kids screwing up, if they lie
about it you just get more angry. But if they apologize and own it, you
can more easily begin to forgive. And just like we forgive kids
easily, you can be forgiven for having an affair.
There are many other steps that need to be followed before you
can truly begin to repair the trust after an affair, but this is a very big initial
step! This starts a process where they can begin to let go of the
hard feelings in their heart over what you did.
If you would like to get your
ex back even after committing adultery, you can check out a
complete 7 Step Strategy here at
Get Your Love Back Now.
